It has come to my attention that articles have been published in this paper that I did not review or approve. The “I can’t read excuse” does not cut it. I should have been told. I understand English—I just speak with too much of an accent for anyone to understand what I am saying. I did not ask for my newfound fame, and it will not go to my head.
That shedding issue would not have been so extreme if I got a brushing more than once a month. To maintain my luscious coat it is necessary to replace every hair every couple of weeks. Beauty needs to be managed. And this stuff about pedicures is a joke—my nails are so long my paws don’t reach the ground, and I slide across the floor like I am on skates. I could get hurt.
Sharing our bed is another issue. I sleep where I feel comfortable. He can always find room. It is a queen-size bed. There is always the prenatal position that many humans find comfortable. It also wouldn’t hurt if he changed the sheets a little more often.
I have said nothing while my master eats Marie Calendar meals and I am forced to eat “healthy weight” from Costco. My subtle palate does not discern the “lamb meal” ingredient. It tastes like cardboard. If it was any good people would eat it. No wonder I sit by his side while he eats and have to settle for any table scraps that he might see fit to give me. He has also learned not to turn his back when anything is on the kitchen counter. I really like to snack on a stick of butter every now and then. Perhaps as master gets older he will turn his back more often. I have been told that humans get forgetful as they age, and master is getting up there.
My “so-called” master thinks it funny to depict me in a way that exaggerates my behavior. I thought I had trained him better than that, and we will have a serious discussion about his behavior in this regard. I have ways to get even. Midnight walks in the rain, and throw up on the carpet are just two of the effective ways to train a human.
For the most part, he’s shaping up quite nicely. I lead a good life—I love my master, a lot. I really do.