As I sit here on this hard, wooden chair I have lots of regrets. I regret going to leg day at the gym. I regret agreeing to add lunges to my work out and I most certainly regret the 20 minutes on the stair climbing machine. The people that do this for fun are insane. I respectfully withdraw my admiration for fitness and my determination to build muscle. This hard, wooden chair needs a pillow, but my thighs will not allow me the simple movement needed to retrieve one. I have resorted to walking on my tiptoes, activating the only muscle in my leg that hasn’t been ravaged by squats.

It hurts to walk, sit, kick, bend, lay, roll over, scoot up, flex, kneel and push. Some things I didn’t even know I needed my glutes for. When I agreed to the lunges, I hadn’t done one since I was in 9th grade PE, so I really didn’t have an experience to reference. I so naively began dragging myself across the room unaware that by the next day I’d have total muscle failure. Starr, the ever patient and supportive trainer, told me I could stop at two sets, that I didn’t need to keep going but I stupidly pushed myself. 

I’m not sure that it would have made a difference to stop, the damage was done. I was using muscles that I haven’t used since 9th grade. So, when she moved me to squats, I just pushed forward. By the time I hobbled to the stair climber I was experiencing leg day euphoria. 

I should have known by the way I had to fling my legs forward like flippers to walk home that I was going to be in trouble. That night I woke up unable to bend my legs. This was problematic since I needed to pee. When I was finally able to move, it was an agonizing walk to the bathroom followed by the most labored and debilitating squat of my life. 

Naturally I had to keep this on the down low. Admitting that I crippled myself with exercise makes Zach’s day. He loves to laugh at my blunders involving my latest health craze. So, needless to say, I nearly bit through my lower lip trying to get back in bed. 

By morning I was experiencing pain in parts of my body that I didn’t know existed and I wasn’t walking anywhere fast. I could barely sit. I quietly and very slowly made it to the bathroom again to cover my thighs in muscle rub. The smell of it alerted him to my condition. Cue the laughter.

Most of the day that followed involved me laying on the couch watching movies and limiting my liquid intake. You don’t have to squat if you don’t have to pee. 

After a whole day of lying around I decided it was a good idea to move so I walked the dogs. Ever so slowly I walked through the park stretching my legs and being careful not to take too big of a stride. The dogs cooperated right up until we ran into a lady and her dog. Both sets of dogs lunged and barked while I winced in pain at having to use my badly damaged legs to steady myself. By the time the commotion was over I was back to walking with “flipper feet” all the way home. 

I’m a little better today. I only had to have Zach help me once to get into the big truck. He pushed on my butt while I pulled myself in. I didn’t tell him that when he pushed, I bit my lower lip in pain. I’ll go to bed tonight and with any luck I’ll wake up in less pain tomorrow just in time for Arm Day.