I always pay my satellite/internet bill late. Usually I let it go until I get one of those threatening letters or email notifications telling me that If I don’t… then they will…. I usually call-pay my previous balance and all is right with the world until next month and then the whole vicious cycle starts over again. 

I know I’m annoying but, damn it, they are annoying, too – this particular company (you know who they are) with its “Mob-like” hold on this town. Every month my bill is different, my internet is changed, the rate that I was paying has suddenly gone higher, and they never have an explanation. 

Calling doesn’t help. I’ve called, listened to the non-human on the other line, followed the instructions, given them my phone number, address, account number and current billing address again and again (Of course they have my billing address. That’s where they send my bill!) 

When I finally reach a real live human I am informed that the reason my bill went up is because whatever current promotion I had has ended. What promotion? Why? They don’t know. After about 20 of these phone calls I decided if they can’t be consistent, well then neither can I. 

If you think this sounds passive-aggressive, you’re right. So right now, the aforementioned mob-like company and I have been playing a good old game of chicken. 

In any given month my bill is about one month behind. Paying on the due date? Never. Which works because if I were to line up all my bills, no two would be the same. Even the late fees vary. One month it’s $8, fast-forward two months and now its $10. I signed up for internet at $59, now its $79, and everyone at that company calls me Mrs. Or Ma’am. 

Like an idiot a couple of years ago I went for their stupid bundle option. For a lower price I could bundle my satellite and Internet. So. Very. Stupid. I was paying for 50+ channels of sports. I don’t watch sports. I called. Followed the steps only to find out that the Mob Company doesn’t handle billing questions about satellite. I was transferred. Just when I was at the brink of insanity someone finally answered. I was informed that I had subscribed for the Season Ticket Premier Package. The conversation went like this:

“I didn’t subscribe to this package.” 

(In his best condescending voice)“Well ma’am it was part of the bundle and the promotion is over.” 

“All I wanted to do was combine my bills for a discount.”

“Well you did and now its over”

“The promotion or the bundle???”

This went on and on. I don’t have the 50 + sports channels anymore but somehow, I’m still paying more than I originally agreed to. They have me ensnared in their Bundle of Confusion. 

I am writing all this on my office computer because I have no internet at home right now. The Mob called my bluff. They forced me to call. I think I spoke to the same condescending guy. They made me pay my bill. It’s clear who’s in charge. 

If they’re reading this, I’m sorry. I’ll pay whatever you want.